Today

Today, I'm off (as I had to work open to close to cover for a coworker) and I'm playing the second-guessing game.  I've always thought I was so fucking smart, that I knew what people thought, what they would do, how they would react to my actions, and I was almost always wrong.  It has cost me so much.  I've also had this ridiculous code of honor that comics, superhero cartoons and old books taught me, that I thought I was right to stick to.  Sometimes, I've held fast to promises, to my code, and it has hurt people.  I'll be forever beating myself up about Lizzy.  What I should have done, what I could have done differently.  I sometimes wish I could Aston-Kutcher-Butterfly-Effect myself back to periods in my life, and try to fix my mistakes.  Today there is a pervasive sense of quiet sadness, of over-arching failure in my personal affairs which is echoed in the world at large with failing institutions falling prey the forces to fascism and nihilism.  This is the worst timeline.